I look at this place...

...one last time...

as i step through the house of resentment and regret, i take a deep breath and feel this weight shift on my back. I slowly step in. I walk through each room remembering the times. The times of sorrow and deep sadness. And sigh in relief that I'm finally done with it all. This place was my home. A place so dark and so full of fear. Times of confusion and utter loneliness. Its all I ever knew. Even though it was of negative compassions, it shielded me from what i wanted. And it protected me from what i needed. It closed its doors and windows to all that was revealing and all that was truth. Something that I craved very much yet was afraid to confront and accept. i don't know why i stayed for so long. father winter and mother summer came and went. From the first goodbye to the very last hello. They've left me in this dank cold house. Everyday was ordinary and nothing ever changed. It was a recycled process that kept the mundane routines of life spinning over and over. Like a broken phonograph that was way too outdated to be repaired. So I waited it out in hopes that it would play smoothly over the skips. So it wasn't punishment that i did this everyday. it was just something i did. I waited and waited. and now... I had enough. Enough of trying. Enough of false hoping. Enough of making amends. Enough of saying sorry. Enough of feeling bad. Just enough...

I walk to the empty living room which consisted of bare walls, a dusty beat up old carpet, and a answering machine on the floor still attached to the wall jack. It was dark. But the light outside was trying to creep its way through the bent blinds. Enough light was seeping through just enough to make my way across the living room to the answering machine. The red light was blinking. Like a beacon beckoning me. Everyone knew i was leaving so i was curious to find out who left me a message. I crouched down and just watched the light blink. would it even matter? its probably a wrong number. I reach out with my index finger and pause for a second, then pushed the button.

*BEEP*

"Balou, why aren't you answering your phone you butt. I know your moved out of the old place but i need your address to your new one. Call me back! Love you. bye." mom. So glad to have her in my life. Id be lost at times without her.

*BEEP*

  "Kuya, Im having a dance show in two days. Can you make it? Id love for you to be there. Its my first real major production and i can get you tickets for free. Call me back on my cell. Love ya!" My lil sis. Im so proud of her. She definitely is at a state where id so love to be right now. A state which i left behind so long ago. Young and free. Its been so long i kinda forgot that nostalgic blissful feeling. *sigh* Yeah we all have to grow up. I just wish i picked better decisions in my life. But no room for regret anymore. thats all being left behind with this place. one more message...

*BEEP*

"Hey Louiegee, this is your inner voice callin'! Im kickin' over here with your heart, your mind, and your soul. We all were jus' talkin' bout ya and i decided to try to leave you one last message to reflect on. Im so glad you decided to move out that forsaken dump. You've been there way too long man. Your heart was tellin' me that you've had a roller-coaster of mad emotions this past two weeks. Guess its been rough. Sorry to hear that. But your mind was goin' nuts and said "fuck it." Seems likes he pissed but he wasn't.
He said that he was jus' done. He agreed that it was best that you just left. Just get away from the world. To not call anyone or answer your phone. Mind was tellin' me that he came to a realization of sorts and this time even your heart agrees. They lost faith in humanity and now they are jus' worried about themselves. thats good though.

You have ta worry bout yerself tho anyways. Ya cant take care of anyone else without taking care of yourself. So Im glad you stopped beating yourself up. Im proud that you decided to move on. You can only do so much, and people are people. That makes your soul very happy. Soul thought that you forgot bout him. That you lead this life and not considered how he felt. But he understood that it was because you were busy making everyone else in the world happy that you forgot about yourself and us. But we ain't mad at cha'. We knew you'd come around. Seems like your heart is closing up yet open to certain things. He still has mixed feelings you know? Aw well what can you do? And even though you pushed us away and avoided us, we still cared about you.

How can we not? You're one of us and its you that completes this circle. Its great to know that your more accepting of things and us now. Its okay to be scared. its okay to feel alone. but also okay to open up to us. After all thats been done and all the shit we've been through i just want you to know, I love you Louiegee. We all do. No matter what anyone says or thinks you'll always be my boy. I know you wont be online as much and i know you wont even write on yer blog for awhile.

Were gonna miss reading yer stories but we also realize that you got stuff to work out. Hopefully no one else gets the wrong idea by you avoidin' them. But whatever right? You've been misjudged all your life. But that hasn't stopped you has it? I know for a fact your a good person and you never intentionally hurt people but yeah people are sensitive sometimes and get hurt way too easy. Thats just their insecurities. Shit you've hurt us numerous times but life goes on. Its jus' a life learning lesson. Well I'm prolly boring you with this long ass message so holla at us later! Were excited bout you and cant wait to see the revelations that sprung to mind. It takes a lot to believe don't it? Sometimes its takes us a lifetime. And I'm glad your believing in yourself and us. Aight dog, you take care and hit us up ninja! Love you Lou... don't ever forget that."

*BEEP*

I sat there just pondering the message that played. Yeah i avoided and ignored my "emotions" for far too long. Im surprised they even still want to remain friends. But I've learned that its them, that they are all i really got in life. Without them I'm really nothing. This past week made me realize a few things. What i want, what i need, how ill get there and what i have to achieve out of life. As i sat and a tear rolls down my face. And I'm confused. I don't know wether its out of happiness or sadness. I look around. This was my home for so long and its scary to even think of change.

But i had to. For my sake. For my heart, my mind, and soul. Im laying flat on my back and staring up at the ceiling and The Postal Service song: "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight" plays in my head. Perfect recollections of my past come about. All the times I've been hurt and all the times I've cried were in this damn house. I fight back more tears as i get up. I take the answering machine out the wall and pick it up. I head for the door. I reach for the doorknob but i stop. I turn around and take one last look. And a smile forms on my face. I've waited too long for this. Everything opposite of what I have ever known in this house is just right outside that door. Im scared to go through but i know that this will be the best thing for me.

So no regrets, no worries. No more trying. No more feeling bad all the time. No more doubts about myself. I can do this and its everything is going to be okay. i honestly believe that now. I place my hand on the doorknob and take a deep breath. My new life is waiting for me. With or without you. I turn the knob and open the door. Im met with a radiance so warm i start to remember how it feels to be happy again. The shackles break apart as i step through the door. Im finally free. Free from you. Free from the world. And i look out in the distance. As i close my eyes and think "Wait for me. Just a little while. Ill be there soon." I smile and i walk now with an upbeat step instead of a half step. Life has been okay but now its just going to get better... I just know it.